i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize