she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
