Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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