so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
