he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
