i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
