the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she smelled like a LAN party
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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