I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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