i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
