someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
