I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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