I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
where are you?
Hypothermia
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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