I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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