Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
