fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
