I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
