tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
