Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
