I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
