I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
