Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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