you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
PANTIES FOUND
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