i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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