I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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