u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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