If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
