I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
