i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
