idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
