the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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