Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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