Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
