I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
