It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
