My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
