3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize