I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize