i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
this just has baby written all over it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize