My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
