nut hugger
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize