paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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