watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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