She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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