He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
