Please, let me fuck your mom
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
