I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
