I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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