shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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