she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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