I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize