it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
organizing the empties. That sober.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
