Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
