im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
