I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
