dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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