I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
